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Butterfly-free romance?
So, you’ve been on your first date, and the butterflies haven’t appeared. Does that mean you need to move on to another man?
This is something I see a lot – women who instantly want that buzzed, loved-up feeling. The result? The stay single year after year after year. They want love to strike suddenly and swiftly. They expect ‘The One’ to shine like the fireworks at New Years – and if they don’t, they kiss ’em goodbye and move on.
But hang on - is really realistic and healthy? I know the movies may show couples who fall for each other instantaneously and live happily ever after, but life is not a Hollywood movie. It is actually much better.
Life is complicated. You have stuff to do everyday. You meet thousands of people. You have washings to do. Your boss is annoying. You have feelings for three boys at the same time, or for none in three years. Life is complex and you can’t script it. It is also much more exciting in its uncertainty.
And – it is created by us, and not a director! The emotions you awaken when you get aroused, or feel attracted to someone, or fall in love are created by your own hormones. They are not created by the other person. This is important for you to realise! It is not that hot guy who gives you feelings – it is you who create feelings when you see him.
The feelings you get can be a result of:
- Your nervousness - this triggers the brain to create a craving for him.
- His likeability, which makes him more “valuable” to you.
- Your uncertainty and fear - your emotions might tell you that the relationship won’t work out.
- His resemblance to someone you know and love.
- Your menstruation cycle. Your hormones can play a massive role in the rules of attraction.
- Your mood – if you’re happy, you’re more likely to be attracted to someone.
- Prior experience – if you’ve felt a crush before, you know what to expect.
Don’t be carried away by your impulsive emotions (or lack thereof). Feelings are not objective. Your “intuition” can be blurry for so many reasons, it’s not reliable. At least if you really want a boyfriend.
Take time to get to know a person. Why do you need to know from the first second? Instant coffee might be instant, but even if a good espresso takes longer to prepare it tastes so much better…right?
By Carolin Dahlman
Carolin is a professional love coach and author. She has coached thousands of people to happiness in her one-on-one practice and workshops. Her base is Sydney, but her clients live all over the world. More info: www.coaching2love.com
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