Food for thought: We cannot solve problems with the same kind of thinking that created them.
I am only 19 and I have been with my boy friend for 4 years. He is 21. I suppose we are a slightly normal couple who fight and make up, most of the time it doesn’t last long and we are back together immediately and everything seems to work. Lately it’s been getting to me that I was never physically attracted to him, he isn’t good-looking and he is almost as short as me. I always wonder if I am shallow. I couldn’t see him dating anyone else and I do believe I love him but he wants me to marry him. I am confused!
It seems as you grow into a young woman, you are starting to look at your life more clearly. You began this relationship as a girl and as we don’t really mature until our late twenties you have a lot of growing to do. It could be a good idea for you to have some time out. This is not to break up, relationships take up a lot of time and emotional energy. Time out is to give you space to get to do some more girlie things, and things you can do by your self. It’s about getting to know yourself better. This could be furthering your educational goals, or getting qualified in a field you enjoy or get into a hobby you’ve always been interested in. It could be spending more time with friends or family, or it could be travel, or whatever. This will benefit your boyfriend, and your relationship, as you will become a more interesting happier person and he will appreciate you all the more.
I started going out with my best friend a year ago and things have been weird – we are either extremely happy to the point where it radiates from our body or quite miserable – I didn’t give it much thought because we have been friends for two years prior to our relationship and have always fought the way we do now. In November he went out with his friends from work who I don’t know and kissed a girl, then apparently spend the rest of the night with her in the city. I know it was just kissing because he called me the next night and told me but I have always believed that cheaters don’t deserve second chances so I broke up with him. Since then he has been bending over backwards to win me back and, I have to admit, I gave in to him. It’s just too hard to resist when I see his face and hear him sound the way he did – he even cried. But things continue to be complicated. Every time I would think about what he did I couldn’t help but act strange which led to us breaking up again.
Every time I try to let him go he just fights harder to keep me and there is nothing I want more than to be with him and make it work. He makes me so extremely happy but I don’t know if I can ever get over what he did – I keep thinking about it and its not healthy – everyone says just to give it time but I don’t know how to be just friends with him. Whenever I do see him I always want to kiss him. What do I do? And if I do keep him how do I get past this and get over his betrayal? Help!
Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? You need to make the choice. Betrayals can strengthen or weaken relationships. After this happened, he told you straight away – he could have easily not done so. He realised he’d stepped over the line of your "rule" of staying faithful. This is also about you. When we have a strong reaction to some ones behaviour, in this case betrayal, we need to honestly examine our own past. We only notice what we can relate to. "If you can spot it, you’ve got it". Where in the past have you let someone down or broken trust? It sometimes helps to realise we are not perfect, and therefore cannot judge others so harshly. Let go then and enjoy the love you share.
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