The break-up boomerang

Can you ever make it work again?

You’re in the pits.  You miss him.  And he feels the same.  Read on to find out if he’s really the one who got away – or if you’re on your way to Groundhog Day...

Nobody did the rollercoaster coupledom thing quite like on-off couple Kate Moss and Pete Doherty.  Before they finally called it a day, the two had very public dramas for years.  Just when we thought that Kate had finally kicked Pete to the curb, they'd get back together and, the next thing you know, she’d be sporting an engagement ring. 

While Kate and Pete didn't make it work in the end, when it comes to our own break-ups, most of us probably still hold out hope of rekindling the romance. The memories don't automatically fade with the slam of the proverbial door - but can a break-up ever really be reversed?

Stuck in a moment

It’s definitely not just Ms Moss who battles those “he’s so wrong, but so right” relationships demons.  In fact, a poll we conducted on www.cosmopolitan.com.au found that 61 per cent of you could see yourselves getting back together with an ex-boyfriend.  So what keeps women trapped in this cycle of ending and then resurrecting their relationships?

Relationships psychologist Elisabeth Shaw says that women fall into the on-again/off-again trap because we’re trying to recapture the good feeling associated with the relationship.  “Breaking up in the heat of the moment can leave you with unresolved attachment, and you rekindle the relationship because you never got that sense of closure,” Shaw says.

For Angela*, 25, a lawyer, it was low self-worth that made her put up with an on-off relationship for three years.  “My relationship with Tom* was stormy.  We didn’t have much in common and we were always arguing.  He used to put me down a lot and was very possessive.  But every time we broke up, he’d shower me with gifts and I would always take him back – because I hoped that things would get better. He made me believe that I wouldn’t be loved by anyone else and I doubted I could be happy unless I had someone in my life.” 

Jodi Hooper, relationship expert and director of Brisbane dating school, says women like Angela often feel that it’s their fault the relationship is failing, so they keep trying to resolve it.  “Don’t convince yourself that things will be different the next time around,” says Hooper.  “No matter how much you want to, you can’t change a person.  You have to decide whether the recurring problem you have with your partner is something you’re prepared to live with if you get back together.”

Weighing up your relationship

So how do you figure out whether or not you should go back to your ex or not?  Think about the reasons why you want to re-enter the relationship.  Unwise ones include: wanting to prove to yourself that you can make it work; trying to score ego points by winning him back; going back because you’re bored or lonely.

“Be realistic,” Shaw says.  “Couples rarely break up over trivial things, like whose turn it is to do the washing up.  It’s usually the symptom of an underlying problem that’s been bubbling away for quite a while.”  Not convinced?  Shaw recommends doing the “balance sheet” test.  “Write down a list of the reasons you should be in the relationship, and the reasons you shouldn’t be.  If the ‘cons’ list is longer, get out.  It may feel like a ruthless task, but sometimes you need to see it on paper to help you make your decision.”

While on-and-off relationships don’t have a great track record, a rekindled romance is not always destined to fail.  If you’ve both grown in directions that are positive and appealing to each other, there’s definitely hope that it can work a second time around.  However, don’t live in denial.  Warning bells should ring if problems grow over time and you still aren’t communicating or even getting on.

Deleting your ex file

“Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your relationship won’t work out,” Hooper says.  “No matter how far down the wrong road you’ve gone, there’s always time to turn back. You deserve better.”  The toughest part is letting go for good.  Don’t forget your reasons for breaking up, even if you second-guess your decision at times.

But what if, despite your initial resolve, your ex begs you to take him back one more time? “Ask yourself who’s doing all the work (in the relationship)," Shaw says.  “If he’s walking in and out of your life whenever he pleases and you’re left to pick up the pieces, you’re sending him the message that he has the right to treat  you any way he wants.”

Angela benefited when she finally finished with Tom for good.  “I was so relived when it ended because it drained my emotional energy,” she says.  “And after being single for a while, I met my new boyfriend, who makes me very happy.”  So, you never know what you’re missing until you really sever romantic ties once and for all.