To breed or not to breed? That’s the question increasingly on the minds of Gen Zs and millennials. It seems we’re ‘generation maybe‘, perched on the fence with one leg dangling over baby gurgles, sippy cups and school runs, while the other hovers over a life of freedom, financial stability and sleep-ins. The decision of whether or not to have kids can be torturous. There’s camp Aching Ovaries, who feel that having children is fulfilling their biological destiny. Then there’s camp No F-ing Way, where the idea of spoon-feeding smooshed carrot to a toddler is on par with having openheart surgery—without anaesthetic. There’s also the people who, for various reasons, are unable to have children.
If you’re somewhere in the middle, you’re part of a growing cohort. On TikTok, ‘Do I Want Kids?‘ has clocked up 125 million posts at the time of going to print. There are myriad social-media accounts devoted to helping people decide. Kic co-founder and influencer Laura Henshaw, 30, even has a podcast called Do I Want Kids? where she discusses pros and cons. Moreover, the ‘childfree by choice’ movement is mushrooming, with online communities and influencers spouting the benefits of a kid-free existence. This can leave those on the fence even more overwhelmed and unsure.
"I ask myself, can I afford to have a child? And my answer is no"
Kelsey, 29
The reality is, we’re not exactly popping them out, according to recent data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) which reveals we’re experiencing a near-record low fertility rate. We’re also waiting longer. According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, the highest proportion of mothers—more than one-third—are aged between 30 and 34. So, what’s driving our indecision? After speaking with young women for her podcast, Laura believes finances are a major concern. The data backs her up: RedBridge Group found over half of 18- to 34-year-olds are delaying having kids due to money worries. HECS debt, not owning a home and general ‘cozzie livs‘ pressures are all contributors.
“In this economy, I would feel way more financial stress if I had to provide for my children. I ask myself, can I afford to have a child? And my answer is no,” says Kelsey, 29, who works in emergency management.
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Rebekah, 31, a bookseller, echoes her concern. “I’m certainly nowhere near being able to support a child when I just get by each week with finances and still have a huge HECS debt.”
Other factors influencing those on the fence include climate change, a potential loss of identity and having to put career on the backburner.
Alanah, 27, a public servant, says, “Having spent the past few years really working on building my career, the idea of having children is overwhelming. As women, we need to really consider the impact children can have on our careers, bodies and livelihoods.”
Unfortunately, many women still get the message you’re supposed to want children and have them, no questions asked, says Ann Davidman, a parenthood-clarity mentor and co-author of Motherhood: Is It for Me?
“If you combine that with someone who is questioning parenthood, there is going to be internal conflict. On one hand, they think they’re supposed to want parenthood, but something inside them says maybe not,” she adds.
"It’s reasonable that you just don’t know"
Ann Davidman
Rebekah highlights the emotional toll of this decision for her. “All my closest friends are married and have children, and I feel like the odd one out. I don’t feel pressure from them to have kids, and I love being involved in their kids’ lives. But I feel ashamed that I may never have the life society tells us is the norm. I also feel like I’m letting down my parents by not giving them grandchildren.”
But despite the societal messaging, Elisabeth Shaw, clinical psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, believes women are increasingly realising having children is no longer the “pinnacle of success”.
“That idea is being contested, the idea that you’re not a ‘real woman’ if you don’t want to be a mother. Today, women are asking themselves, ‘Do I actually want to be a mother?’, or might I get those needs met by being a terrific auntie, a foster carer, or in some other way?”
The joy children can bring is beyond any pros and cons list. But there’s also a special brand of joy that comes from cuddling your nieces, sharing margaritas with your bestie or celebrating a career high. It’s perfectly normal to feel torn about such a life-changing decision.
“It’s your birthright to have clarity. It’s reasonable that you just don’t know. There is a path forward. Hang in there. You’re not broken,” says Ann. Remember, even if kids aren’t in your future, your life can still be juicy, joyful and just as fulfilling—on your own terms.
3 (baby) steps to clarity...
Reach out to others
Elisabeth recommends finding like-minded communities or people in the same boat. “Like any of us who has a path that deviates from the norm, you need to find your tribe. Also, look for wise counsel, outside the people in your life who may be invested in your decision, to gather more intel.”
Write it down
Ann suggests jotting down your thoughts with prompts like: I’ve always thought that by now my life would look like … / What would it take or what would have to happen in order for me to say ‘yes‘ or ‘no‘ to parenthood and feel good about it? Finally, make a list of all your fears related to the decision, put them in an envelope and take a breather.
Don't rush it
“Remember, the fact you’re questioning this is not a problem,” says Elisabeth. “For you, it’s not a slam-dunk decision, but you should feel confident that’s OK. This is the biggest decision of your life so you have every right to say, ‘I want to take my time.’”

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This article originally appeared in Issue 02 of Cosmopolitan Australia. Get your copy and subscribe to future issues here.
