Welcome to Cosmopolitan Australia‘s ‘Ask Me Anything’ series—where no topic is off-limits and no question too cheeky. From sliding into your crush ’s DMs to discussing sexual health with a new partner and rebuilding confidence after a toxic relationship, we’ve got you covered.
Scroll on for the first instalment in the series, with answers by Phsyco-Sexologist & Relationship Expert, and host of the Sex Therapy podcast, Chantelle Otten.
ask me anything...
Q: What's the best way to slide into someone's DMs?
Sliding into DMs can be a bit nerve-wracking, but it’s all about being genuine and respectful. Star by responding to a story or post that genuinely interests you. A simple, “I loved your take on …—it really made me think!” shows you’re paying attention and appreciating their content.
Keep things light and friendly. Avoid being overly flirty or forward right off the bat. Aim to start a natural conversation. For example, if they post about a book, you might say, “I’ve been meaning to read that—do you recommend it?”
Most importantly, respect their boundaries. If they’re not responsive or seem uninterested, don’t push it. Remember, the goal is to connect, not to come across as intrusive. Be yourself, be kind, and let things flow naturally.
Q: How can I ensure my gynaecologist provides inclusive care that respects my identity and sexual orientation?
Advocating for yourself starts with clear communication. When booking, mention your preferences and any specific concerns regarding your identity and sexual orientation. It sets the stage for an open, respectful dialogue. During the appointment, be upfront about your identity. You might say, “It’s important to me that my care respects my sexual orientation and gender identity. How do you approach inclusive care?”
This invites your gynaecologist to share their practices and reassures you they understand your needs. Taking notes on your phone can be helpful, especially if you’re nervous. This ensures you cover all your concerns and can refer to them if needed. If you feel uncomfortable or not heard, don’t hesitate to seek a second opinion. Everyone deserves a healthcare provider who respects and understands their identity. You can also ask for recommendations from friends or support groups for gynaecologists known for inclusive care.
Lastly, go in with a list of symptoms and questions you want answered.
Q: How should I discuss sexual health and boundaries with a new partner?
This is crucial for building trust and ensuring mutual respect. Start by choosing a comfortable and private setting where you both feel at ease. Approach the conversation with openness and honesty, using “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings, like, “I feel it’s important for us to talk about sexual health and boundaries.”
Be clear about your boundaries and encourage your partner to share theirs. You might say, “I’m comfortable with …, but I’m not ready for …. What about you?” This sets a foundation for mutual understanding and respect. When discussing sexual health, share your status and any relevant history, and ask your partner to do the same.
It’s also a good time to talk about contraception and STI prevention. Being transparent and non-judgmental helps create a safe space for both of you to communicate openly.
Check in regularly to ensure both partners feel comfortable and respected as your relationship evolves.
Q: I hate the apps! Do I really have to use them to meet somebody?
Absolutely not! While dating apps can be convenient, they’re not the only way to meet someone. Start by pursuing hobbies and interests that genuinely excite you. Joining clubs, taking classes, or attending events related to your passions can help you meet people in a natural setting.
Volunteering for causes you care about is a great way to meet people with similar values. Networking through friends and family can also be effective. Let them know that you’re open to meeting someone new; they might know a great match.
Don’t underestimate the power of simply being social in everyday situations. Striking up conversations at cafes, book stores, or events can lead to meaningful connections. The key is to stay open and engaged with the world around you.
Q: What are some ways to keep the spark alive? Especially for couples who have been together for years?
This requires effort and creativity, but it’s possible. Here are some fun and sexy ways to keep the sizzle going:
Prioritise Quality Time Together
Make date nights a non-negotiable part of your routine, whether it’s a fancy dinner out or a cosy movie night at home. Mix it up with themed dates, like a ‘50s retro night or anat-home spa evening, to add an element of surprise and fun.
Surprise Each Other
Small gestures of love can reignite feelings of romance and connection. Leave a cheeky note in your partner’s pocket, plan a surprise date, or give an unexpected gift. Little acts of kindness go a long way in keeping the love alive.
Try New Activities Together
Shared experiences can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories. Take a dance class, go on a weekend getaway, or explore a new hobby together. For something more daring, try a couple’s adventure course or a cooking class.
Keep Communication Open
Discussing and exploring new aspects of your intimacy can keep things fresh. Have an open dialogue about your desires and fantasies. A fun way to do this is through a Cheeky Sexy Check-In Game.
How to Play: Take turns asking each other playful questions, like “What’s your secret fantasy?” or “Which part of my body do you love the most?” Write down your answers and discuss them, making sure to keep the atmosphere light and fun.
Maintain Physical Affection
Physical touch is essential for keeping the emotional connection strong. Hold hands, hug, kiss, and make sure to cuddle often. A spontaneous make-out session can do wonders for reigniting passion.
Foreplay Games to Spice Things Up
Incorporate fun, playful foreplay games to keep the excitement alive. Here are a few you can buy online or create at home:
- Monogamy: The Board Game for Couples—This game is filled with intimate challenges and questions that bring couples closer and spice up the bedroom.
- 52 Weeks of Naughty Nights—A set of cards with different sexy scenarios and activities to try each week, keeping the anticipation and excitement alive.
- Lovehoney Nookii Game—A fun and flirty game that includes various levels of intimacy, from playful teasing to passionate encounters.
Support Individual Growth
Encourage your partner’s personal interests and goals. Supporting each other’s growth leads to a more fulfilling relationship, where both partners feel valued. Celebrate each other’s successes and be there during challenging times. Keeping the spark alive is about making time for each other, trying new things, and keeping the romance alive. With effort and creativity, you can keep the passion burning for years to come.
Q: I’m bisexual, and want to start dating women. Where do I start?
Starting to date vulva-owners when you’re bisexual can feel both exciting and daunting. The first step is to embrace your identity.
Confidence and self-acceptance are attractive qualities that will help you in your dating journey. Consider joining LGBTQIA+ groups and communities, both online and offline. Spaces like this are great for meeting like-minded individuals and can provide a supportive environment as you start dating.
Look for local LGBTQIA+ events or meetups where you can connect with others who share your interests. Dating apps specifically for the LGBTQIA+ community, or putting your sexual orientation in your profile status on any dating app, can also be a helpful tool. These platforms allow you to specify your preferences and connect with great matches.Be open and honest about your bisexuality when you feel safe with your date, as you will be able to get a read on their views as you get to know them.
Clear communication about your identity and what you’re looking for in a relationship is crucial. It helps set the stage for a healthy and respectful connection. Lastly, take things at your own pace. There’s no rush to find the perfect partner right away. Enjoy getting to know new people, and remember each experience is a step towards finding the right match.
Q: How can I rebuild my confidence and self-worth after a toxic relationship?
‘Toxic’ or otherwise, this is a vital and empowering journey. Start by giving yourself time to heal. It’s important to acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to grieve the loss, even if the relationship was harmful.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who uplift you. Sharing your experiences with trusted loved ones can provide comfort and perspective. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you need it. A therapist can offer valuable strategies tore build your self-esteem. Focus on self-care. Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you reconnect with yourself. Set small, achievable goals to help rebuild your confidence. Celebrate your progress, no matter how minor.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. Healing is a process. Reaffirm your value and remember you deserve to be treated with love and respect in all your relationships.
Quick disclaimer: we know we give great advice, but it’s important to remember that the information in this article is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
This article originally appeared in Issue 01 of Cosmopolitan Australia as part of the Sealed Section, brought to you by Audible. Get your copy and subscribe to future issues here.
Listen to ‘Sex Therapy 2: Sessions with Chantelle Otten,’ only on Audible here.
