Facing rejection in a relationship can catch anyone off guard, leaving feelings of insecurity and confusion. It’s a situation more common than you might think, and can challenge how you feel about yourself and the bond you share with your partner. Delving into what’s happening beneath the surface can become an opportunity for growth and the chance to build a stronger connection.
We reached out to sex and relationship therapist Lisa Torney for advice on handling those moments when your partner is turning you down more often than turning you on.
Understanding Why Your Partner Is Not In the Mood
Many factors can affect sexual desire. According to Lisa, “General life stress is one of the most common reasons for low desire. Family responsibilities, financial concerns, mental exhaustion, physical and mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, hormonal changes, parenthood, chronic illness, and sexual difficulties can all influence sexual desire.” These stressors can weigh heavily on your partner’s mind, making it difficult for them to feel comfortable or excited about intimacy.
In many relationships, the stress distribution can be uneven, with one partner bearing more of the load—such as being the primary caregiver, financial earner, or handling a disproportionate amount of domestic and emotional labour. This imbalance can lead to a sense of overwhelm, further dampening the desire for sexual connection. Beyond stress, the monotony of routine can also take its toll on sexual desire.
“When intimacy becomes routine, the lack of novelty might result in boredom, which can diminish the excitement of sexual intimacy and desire for sex,” explains Lisa. Relationships, like anything else, need a touch of spontaneity to keep the spark alive. Whether it’s trying new activities together, exploring different forms of intimacy, or simply changing up your daily routine, novelty can reignite the excitement and help maintain a healthy level of desire between you and your partner.
Related: FYI, Here’s How To Eat Someone Out
My Partner Turned Me Down—Now What?
When faced with sexual rejection, how you respond can make all the difference. “It’s best to approach the conversation with sensitivity and focus on understanding rather than blame,” advises Lisa.
Timing is critical. Having a discussion when both of you are relaxed, sober and away from distractions can set a positive tone. Lisa suggests walking in a park or on a beach to help reduce the intensity of a face-to-face confrontation.
Using “I” statements is another essential tool in these conversations. Expressing your feelings with phrases such as, “I feel disconnected when we don’t have as much physical intimacy,” helps convey your emotions without assigning blame.
What Else Can Low Sexual Desire Mean?
If your partner consistently shows a lack of interest in sex, it’s important to consider if there might be any underlying issues at play. “If your partner seems sad or expresses feelings of hopelessness, this could be a sign of depression,” says Lisa. “Other signs might include a lack of interest in activities they once enjoyed, headaches, muscle tension, stomach issues, irritability, too much or not enough sleep, difficulties concentrating and anxiety.” These symptoms can manifest in various ways, affecting their desire for intimacy. The next step is to offer support in an empathetic and non-judgmental way. One effective approach is to ask your partner how you can best support them. Lisa suggests being mindful of how you talk about bodies, including your own, as negative comments can reinforce insecurities.
“Be honest about your own body image concerns or sexual desire and celebrate any steps your partner takes toward feeling better about themselves,” she advises. By sharing your own vulnerabilities, you create a more open and supportive environment where your partner feels safe to discuss their struggles.
Building Intimacy Beyond the Bedroom
So, if you’re not having sex, how can you maintain closeness and connection with your partner? Intimacy goes far beyond the bedroom, and redefining what it means to be intimate can keep your relationship strong during periods of low sexual activity. A great place to start is with non-sexual physical affection. Lisa suggests exploring forms of touch that don’t necessarily lead to sex, such as “kissing, hugging, massages, and holding hands.” Quality time is another crucial component of maintaining intimacy. Planning date nights or simply enjoying each other’s company without the pressure of sexual expectations helps reinforce the emotional foundation of your relationship.
Showing appreciation is another overlooked part of maintaining intimacy. “Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities, efforts and contributions to the relationship can make them feel loved and valued, which can enhance emotional closeness,” says Lisa.
"Sexual desire can fluctuate for many reasons, and a rejection now doesn’t mean it will always be this way"
When To Seek Help Regarding Different Sex Drives
In any relationship, there may come a point when sexual rejection becomes a recurring issue. Lisa advises that seeking professional help is a positive step “if you are experiencing ongoing feelings of resentment, self-esteem or body image issues, feel unable to talk about issues without conflict, frustration, and misunderstanding, and if you feel emotionally and physically disconnected from your partner”. If you notice that these issues are beginning to impact your relationship’s overall wellbeing, it’s a good indication that it’s time to consider therapy.
How To Reframe Sexual Rejection
Experiencing sexual rejection can stir up feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Still, it’s essential to reframe these moments in a way that preserves your self-worth and strengthens your relationship. Instead of internalising a partner’s lack of interest, Lisa suggests “reminding yourself that your partner’s decision may have more to do with their current state than with your desirability”.
Sexual desire can fluctuate for many reasons, and a rejection now doesn’t mean it will always be this way. Practicing self-compassion is key in these moments. It’s important to remember that everyone experiences insecurity, and it’s OK to feel disappointed. However, it’s equally important not to let these feelings impact your self-esteem.
How To Bridge the Desire Gap
In every relationship, there are times when sexual desires and expectations may not align perfectly. “Although it might feel difficult, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly about your fears and concerns, and if this is too hard, then engage a professional to help navigate the conversations in a safe, non-judgmental way,” says Lisa. When discussing your desires, approach the conversation with empathy and a focus on mutual respect.
Instead of framing the discussion as a conflict, view it as an opportunity to explore each other’s needs and find a compromise that works for both of you. “Having regular relationship check-ins can be helpful in building confidence,” suggests Lisa. By making these conversations a regular part of your relationship, you create a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires and concerns without fear of judgment.
How to Move Forward
Exploring ways to work together to find a compromise might involve scheduling intimate time, exploring new ways to connect sexually, or even adjusting how often you engage in sexual activity. Setting aside time for intimacy might feel unsexy, but by doing this, you prioritise your connection and ensure that both partners’ needs are being considered. While facing rejection in your relationship can be challenging, it also presents an opportunity to strengthen your bond and build a more resilient connection. By respecting each other’s boundaries, practising patience and keeping the lines of communication open, your relationship can survive these moments and grow even stronger, in and out of the bedroom.
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This article originally appeared in Issue 02 of Cosmopolitan Australia. Get your copy and subscribe to future issues here.
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