Threesomes sound hot in theory, but in practice? They can be complicated and filled with miscommunication, awkward vibes and post-play emotional fallout. Whether it’s a long-time fantasy or a spur-of-the-moment idea, bringing a third into the mix requires more than just enthusiasm – it takes boundaries, communication and a solid game plan.
From figuring out who to invite (and how to find them) to handling any unexpected emotions that might pop up mid-play, we’ve got expert-backed advice to help you navigate your first threeway.
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Setting Boundaries
Before diving in, talk it out. “Create agreements, not rules,” says somatic sexologist Lillie Brown. “Rules tend to be imposed and can feel pretty gross. This is a co-creation, and everyone’s voice needs to be heard.”
That means having an honest conversation with your partner (and potential third) about what feels good, what’s off-limits and how you’ll handle any unexpected emotions, such as jealousy or feeling left out. She also stresses the importance of discussing safer sex practices. “How will you handle STI prevention? Clarifying this early on is vital for everyone’s physical and emotional safety.”
Not sure what your boundaries are? Lillie suggests asking yourself: what would feel too intimate in a threesome? Maybe it’s kissing, specific sex acts or fluid bonding. Whatever it is, communicate it clearly so everyone can move forward with full consent and confidence.
Finding the Right Third
So, you’re clear on your boundaries – but how do you actually find the right third?
“Apps like Feeld, RedHotPie or FetLife can be a great way to meet people,” says Lillie. If apps aren’t your vibe, she suggests exploring sex-positive spaces like clubs or events, where people are often more open to these conversations.
It’s also important to remember not to treat your third like a “sex toy” for your relationship. “The most important thing to keep in mind is that your third person is a human being, not just someone to fuck,” Lillie emphasises. “They have feelings, needs and desires of their own.”
Before inviting them into your bedroom, always meet in a neutral space – like a bar or cafe – for a vibe check. This gives everyone a chance to align expectations and see if the chemistry is there.
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Handling Jealousy In Threesomes
Even the most confident couples can experience unexpected emotions during a threesome. “Jealousy is unavoidable in life and in threesomes,” says Lillie. “It’s a natural human emotion, and we all experience it from time to time.”
Instead of suppressing those feelings, Lillie recommends getting curious about them. “For example, you might experience a pang of jealousy when you see your partner and third having sex. Instead of withdrawing, ask yourself what this is telling you.” If you feel left out, jump in on the action or switch to a different sex act.
Afterwards, take time to debrief with your partner. “Engaging in aftercare with your partner can help mitigate jealousy that might arise post-threesome,” Lillie explains. A simple check-in can go a long way in keeping your relationship strong.
How to Check In Without Killing the Mood
Communication is key, but no one wants to pause the action for a full-blown D&M. Instead, Lillie suggests using subtle, nonverbal cues to check-in. “Use gentle physical contact like holding hands, squeezing a thigh or brushing against them to convey support and connection,” she says.
For a discreet system, try the traffic light method:
- Green: Everything’s great, keep going.
- Yellow: Slow down or adjust.
- Red: Stop immediately.
“A simple ‘light?’ mid-play can be an easy way to check in,” says Lillie. This low-pressure cue keeps everyone feeling safe and comfortable without disrupting the flow.
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The Role of Aftercare
Sex isn’t just about the main event – it’s about what happens after. “Aftercare is a necessity for all sexual experiences, whether you’re having casual sex, in a relationship or having a threesome,” says Lillie. Aftercare can take many forms, from physical comfort to emotional check-ins. It might involve cuddling, showering together, grabbing a snack or simply talking about the experience.
Even a quick “hope you got home safe” text to your third can go a long way toward making them feel valued. If you don’t plan on staying in touch with your third, make that clear beforehand. “Informed consent is vital,” stresses Lillie. Whether it’s a one-time thing or an ongoing dynamic, setting expectations upfront ensures that everyone leaves feeling respected and cared for.
Final Thoughts
A great threesome isn’t just about the sex – it’s about communication, connection and mutual respect. Navigating boundaries, checking in with all partners, and prioritising aftercare are what make the experience feel safe, exciting and pleasurable for everyone who’s involved.
Whether you’re just curious or ready to make it happen, by approaching it with open conversations, clear expectations and a focus on mutual enjoyment, you can turn a fantasy into an experience that’s truly satisfying – for all three of you.
Related: How Often Should You Be Having Sex?
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This article originally appeared in Issue 05 of Cosmopolitan Australia.
