Welcome to Cosmopolitan Australia‘s ‘Ask Me Anything’ series—where no topic is off-limits and no question too cheeky. From sliding into your crush ’s DMs to discussing sexual health with a new partner and rebuilding confidence after a toxic relationship, we’ve got you covered.
Scroll on for the second instalment in the series, with answers by Somatic and VUSH Resident Sexologist, Lillie Brown.
Related: Everything You Could Possibly Want To Know About Mutual Masturbation
ask me anything...
Q: If I sleep with a guy on the first date, is it actually true he’s less likely to be interested in me long-term?
There are many outdated cultural narratives around sexuality, and this one is a total myth. It has its roots in the patriarchy and a lot of “sex on the first date” discourse buys into the madonna-whore dichotomy. It’s totally fine to have sex purely for pleasure, and choosing to bone on the first date is a personal choice.
Having sex on the first date can be a great way to assess the undercurrent of chemistry simmering between you and see if your sexual styles are compatible. There’s no right or wrong answer here, and ultimately, you’re the only person who knows when you feel ready to get naked with someone new
Q: I’m pansexual and am currently dating. Do I owe the people I date a disclaimer about my sexuality?
No. You don’t owe anyone a disclaimer or explainer about your sexual orientation, it’s entirely up to you to choose how you share this information.
However, openly sharing you’re pansexual can help you avoid people who are uncomfortable with pansexuality and find a match that is aligned with your preferences.
Being open and honest about your sexuality from the outset is the best way to start any relationship because it builds a connection based on mutual trust, and facilitates a higher degree of emotional safety—you can avoid wasting time and emotional energy on people who aren’t down with your sexuality.
You might like to share your sexual orientation on your dating profiles, weave it into first-date conversations, or wait until the topic arises organically. Whatever approach you opt for, know that your pansexuality is valid. If someone you’re seeing isn’t comfortable with your sexuality, you’re on the wrong date.
Q: I have never masturbated with toys. Where is a good place to start?
Think about the types of sensations you like to experience during solo or partnered sex. If you love receiving oral, an air suction toy like Empress Tidal is a great option—it feels like getting great head! If you’re keen to explore vibrations, a bullet vibrator is a beginner-friendly choice, or for a higher-power vibe with deep rumbles, try a wand vibrator for whole-body pleasure. If you’re a fan of internal stimulation, dildos or g-spot vibrators might be a good pick. Another prompt to consider is how you want to use the toy. Is this for solo play? Partnered experiences? If you can’t make up your mind, I recommend starting with something versatile like a bullet vibrator—they’re criminally underrated.
Q: My girlfriend and I have just gotten engaged and I would rather our finances remain separate when we get married. How do I bring that up without hurting her feelings?
Open communication about money is essential for a healthy relationship, but it can feel awkward to broach the subject. Normalising money talk early on leads to less awkwardness down the track, so think of this as an investment in the future of your relationship. Deciding to remain financially independent rather than commingling your finances is a valid choice, however, total transparency is essential so you’re both across where the money is going. Approach the conversation with respect and mutual understanding, and be clear on your money goals, values and priorities. You might like to ask your partner, “How do you think couples should manage their finances?” to get their take. Sharing the why behind your desire to keep your finances separate is important to help your partner understand where you’re coming from. Keep the lines of communication open – this isn’t a one-and-done chat. And if you earn drastically different incomes, consider splitting your expenses equitably rather than equally. It’s a fairer approach.
Q: I only want a casual relationship. What is the best way to communicate that to guys I’m dating?
Casual relationships can be a great way to explore pleasure and connection outside of a traditional relationship structure. There’s no universal rule about the best time to discuss the structure of a relationship, but I believe the sooner, the better. No one likes feeling led on, so be honest about your expectations from the beginning.
Just because there are no strings attached, doesn’t mean casual relationships require zero effort and communication. Lines can get blurry and feelings can get hurt without honest communication and regular checkins, because the term “casual” means something different to everyone.
Get on the same page by talking about your intentions, what “casual” means to you, and what you want, need and expect from each other to keep things fun and sexy. And don’t forget to discuss boundaries, safer sex practices, and aftercare. If you’re not sure how to bring it up, try saying something such as, “I’m really into you, but I want to be upfront and let you know I’m not looking to get romantically involved right now. Are you open to discussing what that could look like?” Or, “What are you looking for at the moment? I’m wanting something casual, does that suit you?”
Then it’s over to you to co-create the agreements of your casual relationship. And if they’re not down for a casual arrangement? Do yourself—and them—a favour by letting the relationship go.
Q:I’m feeling bored in my sex life—but I’ve never explored any kinks. How do I ask for what I want, when I’m not sure what that is?
It’s normal to feel bored with your sex life at times, even when the sex you’re having is pleasurable and satisfying.
Novelty is a power ful aphrodisiac, particularly in long-term relationships. We need to shake things up and try new things to dial-up our desire and expand our pleasure potential. Begin by thinking about what you’d like to try – this might be a specific kink, type of touch, location you’d like to get freaky or sexual experience. If you’re coming up blank, do some research. Read some sex-positive books or articles, listen to a podcast, journal about your fantasies, or devour a smutty book to get some inspiration. Sex is a form of art, so get creative! It might also be useful to consider how you’d like to feel during sex. This changes moment to moment, but thinking about the feelings you’d like to experience during sex can give you insight into what to try. For example, if you’d like to feel worshipped and revered, a genital massage ritual might be appealing. If you’d like to feel naughty and explore taboo, experimenting with power play or anal might hit the spot.
When it comes to communicating this to a partner, a soft way of opening the conversation about trying something new could look like sending them an article or podcast you found enticing or telling them about a hot scene you read about in a smutty book. It’s best to talk about trying something new outside the boudoir (perhaps on a walk) so the conversation doesn’t get swamped by the emotionality of sex. Choose a time when you’re both feeling connected and relaxed, share what you enjoy about your sex life with your partner, before positing the idea of trying something new together. Importantly, share the why behind your desires. This will help your partner understand you and your desires on a deeper level. And finally, give them some space to think about it. Consent is essential, and giving your partner time to process the conversation and do some research into this hot new thing will alleviate any pressure they might feel to say yes straight off the bat. If this feels overwhelming, work with a sexologist or sex therapist to get support with your sex life.
Related: FYI, Here’s How To Eat Someone Out
Q: My partner and I have different love languages which results in a lot of disagreements. Are certain love languages incompatible?
Not necessarily. Having different love languages doesn’t mean your relationship is dead in the water.
We all like to receive love in different ways—what feels meaningful and connective to you might not be how your partner likes to receive love. We often shower our partners with the type of love, affection and care we would like to receive without considering how our partner’s needs differ from ours. Without understanding these differences, you can easily feel frustrated, disconnected and resentful.
The differences between you are opportunities. Have an open conversation about your love languages and how you like to be shown love so you can better understand one another. At the end of the day, it comes down to being curious about your partner, sharing your desires and learning how to speak their love language, not yours. You never know what you might learn by speaking another love language so be open to being receptive to your partner’s needs.
Q: I don’t want to have kids, and a partner who does is a deal breaker for me. How soon is too soon to bring this up when dating?
If you’re pursuing a long-term or serious relationship, tell them as soon as possible. It’s not easy, but the more information both you and your partner have, the better. Y
ou might like to provide reasons for not seeing a future with children in it to help your partner understand where you’re coming from. This might include past or current family dynamics , health issues , financial concerns, climate anxiety, career aspirations, lifestyle changes and more. If you’re on the apps, consider adding “Childfree” or “No kids in my future” to your dating profile to help screen potential dates.
If you’re unsure how to bring it up on a date, ask them a question such as, “Do you see kids in your future?” to open the conversation about your choice to be childfree. And a final word of wisdom: ditch a partner who thinks they can change your mind—it’s a major red flag.
Quick disclaimer: we know we give great advice, but it’s important to remember that the information in this article is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
This article originally appeared in Issue 02 of Cosmopolitan Australia as part of the Sealed Section, brought to you by VUSH. Get your copy and subscribe to future issues here.
