Ah, sexual chemistry. Some call it the spark that lights a fire, and others say it’s the glue that holds a relationship together. Whether it’s an instant, lightning-bolt connection or a slow-burn attraction that grows over time, sexual chemistry plays a unique role in relationships. But is it truly make or break for long-term love?
What Is Sexual Chemistry?
“Sexual chemistry is never purely physical,” explains Nicole Colantoni, dating expert for eHarmony. “It’s a complex interplay of emotional, intellectual and physical attraction, often rooted in a subconscious sense of desire, curiosity and emotional safety.”
For some, intellectual or emotional connection can outweigh physical attraction. Shared values, humour or even a deep conversation can create that all-important spark. But according to Nicole, that spark is often a mix of projection, infatuation or familiarity. “We’re naturally drawn to what feels familiar — even if it’s not necessarily good for us.
That bad boy allure might feel exciting, but it can sometimes reflect old patterns or subconscious habits. While the spark can be exciting, it’s important not to mistake it for compatibility,” Nicole warns. “True connection requires time and deeper understanding beyond the initial attraction.”
Can You Build Sexual Chemistry?
“Sexual chemistry can develop over time,” assures Nicole. While some couples experience an instant spark, many successful relationships blossom from friendships.
“Shared values, humour and mutual respect often play a huge role in building attraction,” she explains. A slow build can sometimes be an advantage. When passion develops gradually, it’s often rooted in a stronger emotional foundation.
“Some of the most enduring relationships begin as friendships and grow into romantic partnerships,” Nicole adds.
On the flip side, an overwhelming spark at the start isn’t always a good thing. “Starting with intense chemistry isn’t always an advantage, as it can sometimes blind people to red flags or deeper incompatibilities,” she says. True, lasting chemistry thrives when there’s a mix of emotional intimacy, mutual care and physical connection — elements that take time to grow.
Is It Normal For Sexual Chemistry To Fade?
When the “can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other” phase starts to fade, it’s easy to panic. But according to Nicole, this shift is completely normal and even healthy. “It’s part of how our brain chemistry works,” she explains. As the initial intensity settles, couples have the opportunity to build a deeper, more meaningful connection. That doesn’t mean the spark is gone forever, it just needs a little tending. Nicole encourages couples to take an intentional approach to intimacy. “Couples should prioritise intimacy by making time for it, openly communicating desires and keeping romance alive through thoughtful gestures, novelty, and shared experiences,” she advises.
Related: What Exactly Is Good Sex? We Asked People What Turns Them On
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What Builds Sexual Chemistry?
Sexual chemistry doesn’t sustain itself — long-term attraction requires intention and effort.
“Chemistry evolves and needs nurturing over time,” says Nicole. The good news? Small, consistent actions can make a big difference in keeping the spark alive.
Regular date nights are a simple yet powerful way to prioritise your connection. Whether it’s a romantic dinner, a spontaneous weekend getaway or trying something completely new together, setting aside intentional time strengthens your bond.
Nicole also stresses the importance of unplugging during these moments. “Digital-free moments help couples stay present with each other,” she says. It turns out it’s not about chasing an elusive spark after all — it’s about nurturing a relationship with thoughtfulness and care.
This article originally appeared in Issue 05 of Cosmopolitan Australia.
