‘I’m 30 & Never Been In a Long-Term Relationship. Should I Be Worried?’

My long-term singleness has caused me immense distress, so I asked experts for their advice.
Published October 4, 2024
single at 30

(Image: Ella Sangster)

A while ago, I was mindlessly scrolling TikTok when I came across a video of a 30-year-old woman talking about her experience, or lack thereof, with romantic relationships. As she stared down the lens, telling the viewer she’d never been in a long-term relationship before, I felt a multitude of feelings wash over me—relief I wasn’t alone, empathy because I intimately understood her sadness and despair, and worry that the comments section would be brutal. And was it ever. “Omg, I hope this isn’t me this is sooo terrifying,” read one. Another declared: “Thought being long-term single at 25 is bad, but this is a whole other level!!”

It seemed the commenters—predominantly young women and girls—were united by a singular fear: the fear of not being chosen.

I understand their fear because it’s one that’s dogged me since I was a teenager, and now, as I’m close to entering the 31st year of my life, it’s a fear that’s become actualised. I have never had a long-term partner. No one has asked me to be their girlfriend before or declared their love or taken me home to meet their parents. It’s a truth that’s caused me such immense distress that, despite being a writer who regularly pens pieces about sex and dating, until very recently I hadn’t felt comfortable admitting just how long-term my singleness has been. Yes, I’ve accrued plenty of experience from situationships, casual dating and short-term relationships, but when you’ve never experienced someone wanting to commit to you in a long-term, serious capacity, it can make you feel unworthy, unlovable and utterly alone.

"it can make you feel unworthy, unlovable and utterly alone"

I spent much of my twenties, particularly the latter half, grappling with immense self-hatred. Every woman I knew had experienced love and partnership and as each year passed, I compared myself more to them. I became consumed with my “flaws” and the role they must have played in marking me out to the opposite sex as “not girlfriend material”. My nose was too large, my acne scars too prominent, my hair too wild and messy or my dress sense wasn’t quite right. 

I took every rejection or failed short-term romance as confirmation of the theory that it was me. I was broken, weird, annoying and, above all, no one’s first choice. I was no one’s dream girl.

While I still grapple with challenging feelings around my long-term singleness, I’ve found some relief from therapy and by being open about it, both on the internet and with the people around me. But the fear and worry can still be difficult to manage, so I asked two experts in the fields of sex and psychology whether I should be worried about my failure to lock down a long-term lover by 30.

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It’s more common than you might think. When I ask sex coach Georgia Grace how typical it is to be in my position, she says it’s “incredibly common”, which takes me by surprise. “I find it a lot with cis heterosexual women,” she says. “If they haven’t been in a longer-term relationship, they feel worried about it. I think that we’ve all been conditioned to think about this biological clock that sounds really, really scary to us. Especially if someone wants to get married or wants to have kids, they are worried about it.”

"we’ve all been conditioned to think about this biological clock that sounds really, really scary to us"

Similarly, psychologist Emma Cholakians says many of her female clients grapple with the challenges and pressures of long term singleness. “This struggle often taps into deep existential concerns about identity, worth and purpose. Society frequently equates personal value with being in a relationship, which can amplify feelings of inadequacy or loneliness for those who remain single for extended periods,” she says.

“Singleness, let alone long-term singledom, can trigger profound reflections on what it means to lead a meaningful life and how to find purpose outside of traditional relationship structures.”

I’ve done more than my fair share of reflecting on my single status—whether it’s been profound or not is up for debate—so I ask Georgia and Emma what advice they’d give to someone in my position.

advice from the experts...

“Let’s stay with the fear and the worry and examine it,” says Georgia. “What is this fear, what is this worry, what are the thoughts, what are the feelings, what’s showing up for you? Get curious about it. How is it tapping into a vulnerability and what is the core of it? So getting curious about it rather than instantly trying to challenge or reframe these feelings. I think that’s what a lot of people do, they want to get rid of the difficult things rather than getting curious about it, but when we try and numb or challenge or reframe it, we don’t hold space for it,” explains Georgia.

Emma suggests a strategy called “cognitive defusion” which involves changing the way you interact with your thoughts. “Instead of seeing your thought, ‘There is something inherently wrong with me’, as an absolute truth, cognitive defusion encourages you to view it as just a thought, one of many that pass through your mind. You might practise observing this thought with curiosity, noticing its presence without letting it dictate your actions or self concept,” she says.

"a lot of people waste a lot of time dating people who are just not wanting the same thing"

“In reframing these feelings, it’s also helpful to recognise that they are part of the universal human experience. Everyone faces moments of doubt, fear and existential angst. Instead of viewing these feelings as signs of something wrong, consider them as invitations to explore what truly matters to you and how you can live in greater alignment with your values. This process of self-exploration and commitment to valued action can lead to greater self compassion and a more fulfilling life,” says Emma.

Staying curious and reframing my thoughts sound like useful practical strategies, but how does a long-term single person who’s looking for their first serious relationship navigate dating? Georgia says, like many things in life, honesty is the best policy. “I think a lot of people are very nervous about saying that they want a long-term relationship,” she says. “They’re scared they’re going to scare someone away, but a lot of people waste a lot of time dating people who are just not wanting the same thing.

“You don’t need to overwhelm them with it, but on a first date, or the first few dates, sharing, ‘It’s really nice to meet you, I’m not expecting anything from this per se, however, I’m looking for something long-term and I want to know where you’re at because if you’re not looking for something long-term then maybe we should go our separate ways here,’” she says. “It’s having the conversation, it’s removing the pressure. It’s not expecting that they’re going to propose to you after two dates, but it’s being clear about what you want and need. You might be surprised because you might meet more people who are wanting the same thing as well.”

This article originally appeared in Issue 02 of Cosmopolitan Australia. Get your copy and subscribe to future issues here.

Cait Emma Burke
Cait Emma Burke is a senior producer at Shameless Media and a freelance writer and editor. She writes about all the good stuff in life – fashion, beauty, sex, dating and pop culture. Her writing has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Harper’s BAZAAR, i-D Magazine, Body+Soul, Primer, Acclaim Magazine, Sauce, Ladies of Leisure, Catalogue Magazine, Gusher Magazineand more.
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