As the story goes, we met in Year 11 literature class. He sat next to me because he knew my older sister was smart and assumed the genes trickled down to me. We bonded by listening to local indie bands and analysing paragraph structures in fictitious novels. We went to a musical for our first date, and had our first kiss as credits of The Perks of Being a Wallflower rolled in his childhood bedroom.
We shared coy smiles, inside jokes and a secret handshake. Now we share a bank account, a lease and a life together. A decade later and he’s the only person I’ve been in a relationship with, the only person I’ve been with.
I used to hate saying that we met in high school. ”High-school sweethearts” felt overly saccharine and glaringly naive, a byproduct of heteronormativity. I felt embarrassed I had chosen such a conventional, straight-shooting path. In a post-Sex and the City world, why was I limiting myself? And more importantly, was I a Charlotte?
Sexual liberation has come a long way in recent decades, with sexual fluidity and experimentation encouraged, a mainstay of brunch debriefs and pop culture subplots. In our sex-positive world of situationships and one-night stands, choosing to only be with one partner your entire life feels … wrong.
Emma Cholakians, clinical psychologist and co-director of Couples Therapy Melbourne, tells Cosmo that being with just one person can feel off-script. “Society tends to associate growth and self-discovery with trying new things … for young people, [cultural norms] often suggest that you need to experience multiple relationships to figure out who you are, which can make sticking with one partner seem less exciting or even limiting.”
During university, this insecurity hit fever pitch. While my friends were swiping on apps and beelining to clubs in hopes of a hook-up, I wondered if I was skipping a crucial part of the coming-of-age passage.
FOMO and comparison culture can run rampant in any type of relationship. Psychologist Leon Festinger’s social-comparison theory proposes that people compare themselves and their circumstances to their peers as a way to evaluate their own social and personal worth. “The pressure to ‘keep up’ can create a sense of inadequacy, making people who have only had one partner question whether they’ve truly experienced life,” Emma adds.
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Against the odds
If you’re allosexual and experience sexual desire, is it possible to live a full, well-rounded life if you’ve only been with one person? Are your definitions of love and relationships even accurate if you have a sample size of one? “Emotional growth and self-awareness are not contingent on the number of partners you’ve had,” Emma reassures. “Instead, they are rooted in the depth and quality of your relational experiences.”
Rachel*, 38, met her future husband at a mutual friend’s birthday party when she was 14, and the pair became fast friends. Four years later, they started dating. Now, 20 years later, they’re married with a son.
“While we have each changed and evolved over that time, we’ve also grown together,” she tells Cosmo. They’ve navigated life’s highs and lows side by side, from parenthood to life-changing injuries. The secret to their decades-long partnership is maintaining their own identities. “We are still very much our own people with our own friends, careers, tastes and interests,” she says.
Likewise, 36-year-old Taylor* points to maintaining individualism as a reason why her 18-year relationship has stood the test of time. “We aren’t similar at all and [are] almost complete opposites. The main thing that makes us compatible is our sense of humour,” she says, adding that therapy has also been a helpful tool.
He was her ”coffee guy”, working at the cafe across the road from her uni. After a flirtatious few months, she asked him out for a drink after work. It was a pre-Instagram world; on their first official date, they exchanged their favourite CDs to get to know each other better.
“We got married after four years of dating because I come from a really conservative family and they wouldn’t let me move in with him before marriage,” she says. “It sounds archaic but my parents were refugees and have always been super protective of their kids.” Navigating cultural differences was one of the couple’s challenges, but ultimately it’s what strengthened their bond. “The effort he puts in to not only understand my culture but ensure it’s passed onto our kids, means the world to me and my family.”
Esther* has been with her husband for 52 years. The 71-year-old met her life partner at a party when she was 18. “I thought he was really good-looking,” she recalls. He approached her, and two years later, they were married.
When asked what it feels like to be with your first love your whole life, she says she doesn’t know any different; it was what was expected when she entered adulthood in the ’70s. “You never lived together, you just dated and then got married. There was no other option,” she says.
Things have drastically changed now, and for that, she’s grateful. Esther questions the relationship norms that were thrust upon her generation. She approves of how couples now often live together before marriage to actually get to know that person’s faults. “It’s funny, I don’t really believe in marriage now. I just think if a couple are happy together, just go for it and just spend [your] days together,” she says.
Exploration over stagnation
While none of the women I spoke to had explored non-monogamy or relationship breaks, Emma suggests that newness in a relationship doesn’t have to only come from sexual pursuits. A secure attachment style can help facilitate a foundation of trust, curiosity and openness, which can allow for expansive growth and exploratory play, in and out of the bedroom.
“Exploring fantasies, introducing playfulness or finding fresh ways to nurture intimacy can keep your love life varied and deeply satisfying,” she says. “Shared experiences, like learning a new skill together, embarking on an adventure, or challenging each other to try something outside your comfort zones, can bring an energising sense of excitement to the relationship.”
When I strip away the expectations of what I thought dating was supposed to be like, I know I’m content, satisfied and undeniably happy. “The choices you make – whether to grow with one person or explore different relationships – should ultimately reflect what brings you the most fulfilment and joy,” Emma says. “There’s no ‘right’ way to approach love, only the path that feels most aligned with your values.”
Like Esther, Taylor and Rachel, I’ve spent my entire adult life with one person. It’s both frightening and electrifying to think about. The grass is always greener on the other side, and there comes a time when you realise everyone’s patch of grass is different. Not better or worse, just different. And I’m grateful for my field of green.
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This article originally appeared in Issue 05 of Cosmopolitan Australia.
