Whether you know about it through the 1996 film Swingers or the recent Mormon #MomTok scandal on social media, chances are you have head of swinging. But how much do you actually know about it?
The practice—which is, at its most basic, a kind of consensual non-monogamy where couples engage in partner-swapping—is both well-known and often misunderstood.
Scroll on for answers to all of you questions, including what is a swinger, who can be one and how to know if it might be for you?
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What Is Swinging?
First things first, let’s get clear on what exactly swinging is.
Swinging generally—although, not concretely—involves romantically monogamous couples (ie. they are each other’s primary partner) who engage in partner-swapping, group sex or voyeurism within a consenting community. It can also involve singles (more on that below), but the label “swinger” is more closely associated with partners.
Certified Sex Educator, Emma Hewitt explains, “Swinging involves no-strings-attached sexual activities outside of the main relationship as a shared experience with their partner. Swinging typically happens with both partners in the same place. Sometimes they are in the same room, or just the same house, depending on the boundaries set out by the couple.”
Emma adds that there are two levels of swinging: “soft swapping” and what is interchangeably called a “full swap” or “hard swap.”
Historically, swinging (which is also referred to as The Lifestyle) has been relegated to a relatively heteronormative environment. However, that doesn’t mean that it is only for cis-het people—but more on that below.
Swinging & Non-Monogomy
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that houses many configurations of relationship styles. In essence, it covers relationships where an individual has more than one partner, or has one partner but has sex with others outside the relationship.
Swinging is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). However, it is not the same as an open relationship, despite sometimes being mistaken as such.
“An open relationship is more about each of you doing your own thing on the side, within the bounds of whatever you have agreed upon. That might be having a frequent sexual partner or multiple sexual partners outside of your primary relationship,” says Emma.
“In almost all cases, swinging is a shared activity where sexual play is done together. It usually happens in a situation where their partner can watch or even join in. If not in the same room, usually in the same house, party or resort.”
Emma adds, “Think of an open relationship as involving you and others, whereas swinging is us and others.”
"Think of an open relationship as involving you and others, whereas swinging is us and others"
With that being said, Emma does note that there may be a generational divide in how swinging is labelled. A 2022 piece published by Cosmopolitan US highlighted the ways and reasons why the label is falling out of fashion with Millennials and Gen Z.
“There’s a certain 60’s & 70’s vibe to the term [swinger] that’s never really gone away,” Emma adds. “So although they are technically two different things, how younger people choose to use the terms may not necessarily reflect that distinction.”
Who Can Be a Swinger?
Generally, swingers wingers tend to be married couples or those in a committed relationships.
There are also single women in the community, who can be referred to as “unicorns,” and join couples for threesomes (it is important to note that this term has been controversial, though).
Emma notes that single men are also welcome in some cases, “but this does seem to be less common than single females.”
“Swinging has a very cis-hetero reputation, however that doesn’t mean it’s only for those folks. It’s a matter of finding the right community and gender and sexuality structure that appeals to you,” Emma adds. “Apps like Feeld can be great places to meet like-minded people interested in different forms of non-monogamy.”
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How Do You Know If Swinging Is For You?
Wondering if swinging is something you might like to try? According to Emma, these are some signs that swinging could be something you may enjoy:
- “You are interested in exploring sex or sexual play with others but aren’t keen on forming relationships with people beyond sex
- You are interested in sex with others but still want your partner to be involved
- You enjoy watching porn with group sex, voyeurism or wife swapping
- You’ve had group sex in the past and enjoyed it
- You and your partner both seek novelty and excitement in your sex life”
How To Bring Up Swinging To a Partner
Raising the idea of any form of non-monogamy with a partner can be daunting. However, there are some ways to make the conversation less challenging.
First and foremost, pick a good time. Ensure you’re both relaxed and in a good mood.
“Approach the topic with curiosity and frame your interest in swinging as an exciting activity you want to explore with them to prevent feelings of insecurity,” says Emma. “Let them know that it’s not that you feel something is missing from your sex life, but rather that you want to try something new together.”
Emma advises asking your partner questions and opening up the conversation, inviting them to give their opinion.
“If they are interested or aren’t sure, you can suggest doing some research together to find out more. If it’s a no, table the chat for now and ask if it’s something you can talk about again down the line,” Emma adds.
Most importantly—if they aren’t interested, don’t pressure them into it.
What To Discuss Before Swinging For the First Time
So you’ve had the chat, now you and your partner want to try swinging. There are a few things you might want to discuss beforehand.
First and foremost, you need to get super, duper comfortable talking about sex with one another. “And if that’s not your forte yet, I would focus on that first before you dive into swinging,” Emma advises. “All relationships can benefit from better communication skills, but it’s essential within non-monogamous relationships.”
Secondly, determine as a couple what swinging means to you and ensure you are on the same page.
Then, set boundaries together. “Think about what you want to do and any activities or people that may be off-limits, like friends, ex-partners etc.” says Emma.
Further, get candid about jealousy and insecurities, and how you plan to manage and support each other through these as they pop up.
Last but certainly not least, talk about safe sex and how you will stay protected while swinging. Emma notes, “Having sex with other people introduces more risk, so make a plan to mitigate that and stay safe and sexy.”
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