In the labyrinth of sex and sexuality, struggling to orgasm can feel like an especially baffling twist. When mainstream porn, media and even romantic literature pedals the idea that having an orgasm is the highlight or defining moment of sex, not being able to reach that can feel like a frustrating and isolating experience.
First and foremost, if you’re struggling to have an orgasm—or actually aren’t quite sure if you have—you are by no means alone. Studies suggest that around 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm. The same report found there was “some confusion surrounding what an orgasm is or should be,” with six per cent of women involved in the study reporting that they were unable to tell “whether or not they had had an orgasm the last time they had intercourse.”
In Chapter 6, Season 1 of the Audible Original podcast, Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten, Psycho-sexologist & Relationship Expert Chantelle speaks with a patient, a cis woman in her mid-50s, who has never been able to have an orgasm. As Chantelle tells her patient, despite cultural narratives that pleasure should be instinctual, “how we experience sex and pleasure is different for everyone and for vulva owners it’s especially complex.”
That’s why, with the help of Chantelle and Audible, Cosmopolitan Australia has put together a guide to help you unravel these nuances. From breaking down the sensations and emotional layers of orgasm, to practical tips for enhancing your pleasure, scroll on to deep dive the question, “why can’t I orgasm?”
Why Can't I Orgasm?
As Chantelle notes in Sex Therapy, “Orgasm is a hard thing to work on because it’s so individualised and it’s so subjective to the person’s experience.”
However, there are a few things you can do to try to help yourself orgasm—whatever that may look or or feels like for you.
Do some research
In the episode, Chantelle recommends her patient take a look on OMGyes.com. The site is set up by scientists who have studied female orgasms. It includes videos of people with vulvas stimulating themselves so that you can see the different ways that they might do it. Chantelle advises watching and taking note of different strokes or techniques that may work for you—and if you’re comfortable, giving them a try!
It may also be beneficial for you to branch out. If your sexual experiences—either solo or partnered—tend to be prescriptive, try changing things up. Try stimulating different parts of the body, using different kinds of toys or test out a new technique.
As Chantelle mentions, there are different sources and types of pleasure, and with those, different kinds of orgasms. Of vulva owners, she explains around 70 per cent orgasm through clitorial stimulation. However, around 30 percent are able to have G spot orgasms—and others can climax from stimulation in other areas, like the nipples, alone.
Accordingly, Chantelle emphasises the importance of noting your erogenous zones—aka, the places that feel extra good when touched—and leaning into them.
Plus, orgasms feel different for everyone (more on that below). Working out what it might look, sound or feel like for you might help you identify next time you’re on the edge.
Re-frame that goal-orientated approach
It may sound counterintuitive, but the thing stopping you from having an orgasm might just be… your desire to have an orgasm.
When you have tunnel vision of having an orgasm—or reaching that goal—it can take your mind away from what is actually happening and therefore, the pleasure you are receiving.
“It takes vulva owners around 25 minutes to get to that climatic stage in general,” says Chantelle. “Maybe we need to explore slowing down and not trying to get to that goal of climax as soon as possible. Really being aware of what’s happening in your body is super important … That journey is super important, for your body to experience the build up.”
Essentially, the idea is to focus on your body and not the goal of orgasm. As Chantelle puts it: Lean into the experience over the outcome.”
She suggests trying breathwork to help ground yourself and become more aware of how you’re feeling. Really focusing on the sensations of your own or a partner’s touch, and surrendering to that pleasure and build up, can help bring you into your body as well.
“Orgasm is nice, it’s a cherry on top,” says Chantelle. “But it doesn’t need to happen to have a good time.”
Consider what else is going on
There are several factors that could contribute to an inability to orgasm. These can be psychological—with things like stress impacting libido, or making it more difficult to be present and fully feel the pleasure—or physical.
Things like hormonal changes, health conditions, vaginal dryness, medications, alcohol or drug use, sleep disorders, and even poor nutrition can impact your body’s ability to reach climax. If you have a sense that any of the above may be playing a part, it is advisable you have an open and honest conversation with your health practitioner.
What is Anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia is when you experience delayed, infrequent or no orgasms despite sexual arousal and adequate stimulation. The phenomenon can be lifelong, acquired or situational.
According to the MAYO clinic, “Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems,” may be diagnosed with anorgasmia. As the clinic notes, not all people who struggle to orgasm feel distressed by it and if this is the case, they likely won’t be diagnosed with anorgasmia.
What Does an An Orgasm Feel Like?
As Chantelle notes, an orgasm feels different for everyone. Accordingly, trying to discern whether you have felt one can be hard.
Last year, Cosmopolitan US published statements from 70 women who described what an orgasm felt like for them. Surprise, surprise: their descriptions varied. One woman described it as, “An intense tingling pleasure that starts in my clitoris then spreads (somehow slowly and all at once) through my whole body, down to my toes and fingertips.”
One described cumming as, “Like a volcano erupting after lots of seismic build-up. Another likened it to, “Nature’s Ambien because they put me right to sleep,” and someone else, “A comforting warm blanket.”
One submission noted a difference in the kind of orgasm experienced via oral sex versus masturbation. They wrote that, “Getting off from oral sex results in slow, rippling, full-body waves. But if I use my wand, it’s an intense burst like a firework.”
One 29-year-old explained, “Honestly the seconds just before it happens are almost painful. It’s like that drop in your stomach from a roller coaster and then all that tension explodes and shoots up the backs of your legs and everywhere else.”
All of that is to say, it isn’t helpful to go into a sexual experience with a preconceived idea or what an orgasm should feel like. If you’re having sex with a partner, communicating about what feels good and leaning into that pleasure may help you get to a point where orgasm is in reach. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too! Sex is still sex (partnered or solo) and the big O isn’t the be-all-and-end-all.
Enjoyed this piece on ‘Why Can’t I Orgasm?’ and want to know more? Listen to Season 1 of Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten for free, only on Audible, here. Season 2 drops September 3 here.
