Age gap relationships have always fascinated our society. The combination of heightened romance and a metaphorical raised eyebrow from onlookers often makes celebrity relationships with a significant age gap headline-worthy in today’s media. This isn’t new. The stories told in films like My Best Friend’s Wedding and Roman Holiday, and even Sex and the City (with Carrie and Big) span 68 years, and they all have one thing in common: an older man dating a younger woman.
But in 2024, the script has flipped. Films like Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine’s The Idea of You and Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron’s A Family Affair have been hailed as bringing back the rom-com, and each portray a young man pursuing a woman decades older than him. Refreshingly, age is merely used as a plot device, and not as the characters’ entire identity. The age gap isn’t fetishised or used as a reason to discredit their budding romance (save for a disgruntled daughter), but is simply a reality of their circumstances. These women are hot, sexy and intelligent—and that’s why Galitzine and Efron’s characters are drawn to them.
The truth is, society likes to joke about age gap relationships and cast aspersions about their validity. (The infamous Leonardo DiCaprio Snapchat meme—“Nooo, don’t turn 25, you’re too sexy aha”—comes to mind, which Sabrina Carpenter used on her 25th birthday cake.)But there are many reasons people are attracted to someone who is older than them.
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“We need to think beyond stereotypes and tap deeper into more personal connections,” Dr JessicaWade, a medical doctor and sex therapist, tells Cosmopolitan. “It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking an older person is simply drawn to a younger person’s youthful energy, sex drive, fun, spontaneity and curiosity. On the flip side, people might assume a younger person is with an older person for their maturity and financial security, but sexual attraction is far more complex.”
As Dr Wade explains, there’s myriad reasons people connect, including everything from the physical and emotional, societal norms, and chemistry, to having shared interests and simply finding someone who makes you feel good. Just look at Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who has credited husband Jason Statham’s ability to make her laugh as a cornerstone of their 15-year relationship. They have a 20-year age gap.
Dr Rowan Burckhardt, psychologist and Sydney Couples Counselling Centre founder, explains that there are some key building blocks that every relationship needs. “An essential parof any relationship is the feeling of chemistry, ora spark, between two people,” he says. “You also need that commitment to build a relationship, but without the spark, it will never turn into a healthy relationship in the future.”
This is certainly the case for Josh*, 26, who explains that he’s always preferred dating older men. “Maturity is one factor, but it’s also the emotional intelligence that comes with age,” he says. Josh’s partner is seven years older than him. Emotional intelligence can feel especially important, because the key to any relationship is mutual respect and healthy communication, says. Dr Wade.
Josh has tried dating men in their mid-20s but found they were never on the same page as him. “My partner has shown me what it takes to be in a relationship with a long-term focus communication is sexy and goes a long way. Also, he’s really beautiful, so my initial attraction was immediate on many levels.”
Laura, 28, has had a similar experience. “I’ve always been around people older than me,” she says, crediting this to being an only child earlier in her life and her parents never treating her like “the kid,” as well as working in the hospitality industry from the moment she turned 18. “I’ve always felt really at ease with people older than me becauseI enjoy knowing they’ve had experiences in the world that I can learn from.”Now, Laura is in a relationship with a 38-year-old man and says she’s never been happier. She credits her partner’s calm assuredness, born from having more life experience, as one of the things about him that attracted her to him early on, but admits that it took a few years to get there. When the pair met eight years ago, she was an intern and he the boss—but don’t worry, the story isn’t going exactly where you think it is.
They kept things professional. “There was definitely a dynamic of authority, but it was never a sexual vibe; no flirtatious banter, he never came on to me,” she says. But then, about 15 months ago, after going years without properly speaking, he split up from his long-term partner and it was like a switch flipped between them. “I can’t even explain it to you,” says Laura. “There was just like something in my brain, in my body that was just like, ‘We’re going to be together’. But we still took it really, really slowly.”
There’s the assumption that everyone who is in a relationship where there is a significant age gap will be challenged by being in different life stages, which can result in disparate perspectives and priorities. For some, though, the disparity is actually part of what makes the relationship work. For Laura, a huge factor in her relationship is that her partner has a young daughter. “I have never considered myself to be someone who wants kids,” she says. “[But] I love that he already has a daughter, because I feel like it takes the pressure off me. If I ever decide to have kids, it won’t be because he’s pushing for it.” This is just one thing that Laura highlights to emphasise that their life stages aren’t really all that different. “We’ve had so many conversations about where we’re at in life and in relationships, and our goals and dreams are very aligned.”
That’s not to say there aren’t biological challenges that are unavoidable in many relationships where a significant age gap is present. “Physically, age-related changes such as menopause in women and sexual difficulties in ageing men, like erectile dysfunction or decreased libido, can impact intimacy,” explains Dr Wade. “Common concerns include these physical change simpacting sexual health and the emotional strain of navigating societal expectations … [in addition to] differing energy levels and social circles, which can lead to feelings of isolation or disconnect.”
"it's really about the connection, chemistry and what you learn from each other."
The psychology behind sexual experience can also come into play with age-gap relationships, which Laura (who identifies as pansexual) feels has been more of a consideration when she has dated women compared with men. Laura admits that these age gaps have been smaller—more like five years – but the experiences have been vastly different. “We’re both women, so there’s more alignment between our experience with the world,” she explains. “The only thing that’s impacted my experience is if they have more experience with their sexuality and they might not necessarily want to help me through that, or I’ve felt a little bit of pressure to be more sure of where I’m at sexually.”
The chasm between ages and life experience can also grow or shrink depending on the stage of life you’re in. A couple aged 18 and 26 may feel judgement and like their age difference is a huge barrier, but that same couple likely won’t feel that angst at ages 25 and 32. This stigma largely comes down to social-scripting theory, which hypothesises that we all follow internalised scripts in order to make sense of our behaviours, responses and emotions.
In short, they can dictate in our minds what is ‘appropriate’, and, of course, that extends to who we choose to sleep with or date. “Terms like ‘sugar daddy’ and ‘cougar’ pop up, often when people are trying to figure out why someone isin a relationship with a significant age gap,” says Dr Wade. “In many cultures, these rules are often pretty gender-specific, which can make age-gap relationships seem unconventional, especially when it’s an older woman with a younger man.”
Dr Wade adds that this dynamic is often associated with biases around female sexual desire and female pleasure, which is still frustratingly taboo in much of our heteronormative, patriarchal society. “When people step outside these norms, it can create discomfort or judgment from others but, as a therapist, if power dynamics are addressed and both are consenting adults, I’m all for it!”
This point is further underlined when we consider that research shows roughly eight percent of heterosexual couples in Western countries have an age gap of 10 or more years. That increases to 25 per cent in male-male relationships, and to 15 per cent for female-female couples. In short, cross-generational relationships aren’t as rare as society and pop culture makes us believe.
Dr Wade emphasises that all sexual experiences have the potential to unlock new versions of ourselves—and that’s exciting. “They help us discover what turns us on and what doesn’t, and allow us to explore physical and emotional parts of ourselves that can get lost in the hustle and bustle of life,” she says, adding that age itself is not a significant factor in these benefits. “I know younger people who are incredibly attuned to their sexual selves, and older people who have experienced tremendous self-actualisation, growth and pleasure. It’s really about the connection, chemistry and what you learn from each other.” As she puts it, if each party is a consenting adult and is happy and having fun, we say go for it.
